


Storybrooke's Gambling Problem

by Ima1



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: August is the captain of the ship, Crack, Emma and Regina are oblivious, F/F, Storybrooke has a gambling problem, everyone ships swanqueen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 20:50:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15275925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ima1/pseuds/Ima1
Summary: August was bored and stuck in a fairytale town frozen in time so what was he to do besides start a gambling business? Bonus points if he got everyone to see his OTP as the epitome of True Love. And, of course, his goal was to make #swanqueenisendgame trend in all the realms.





	Storybrooke's Gambling Problem

**Author's Note:**

> This is all very silly guys, but I hope you enjoy a little crack :)

To be fair, it wasn’t entirely his fault.

 

Well. It was if one argued that August did, in fact, facilitate town-wide gambling for years on end and was the go-to man for any and all bets placed on its citizens. But that was just a minor detail.

 

In his defense, the part where it wasn’t really his fault was the one people should focus on.

 

See, he didn’t actually _plan_ to start a gambling spree that led to Leroy betting his ax or Gold his precious teacup or Mother Superior a bag full of fairy dust. Or for David to bet his sword or Snow to bet one of her birds or Granny her famous and ultra-secretive meatloaf recipe. Or even for Ruby to _try_ to bet her coat — key-word being ‘try’ because he at least had the sense to put some ground rules and determine that having an uncontrollable wolf running around town once a month would probably not be in the town’s, or his business’, best interest.

 

So, in his defense, it wasn’t really his fault. 60% perhaps. Well, okay, 82% if he accounted for the fact that it was actually his idea to place the first bet. Whatever. It’s not like anyone can actually blame him for that first one.

 

What else was he supposed to do after having lived a life full of adventure and suddenly finding himself stuck in a frozen town in the middle of Nowhere, Maine?

 

Clearly, the answer everyone should be thinking of was placing some harmless bets on the future of his new neighbors.

 

Truly, it’s as if the town itself was begging to be bet on. How could he refuse such an opportunity? The answer should be obvious. He couldn’t. It was like fate or something. Magic was real after all, he was positive there were some greater powers at stake. Yes, that was definitely the justification he was going with.

 

It started with the most obvious thing in the world. Honestly, anyone with eyes could see it. He was sure if the town was a television show the hashtag #swanqueenisendgame would’ve been trending after the minute those two met. Not that he was there when it happened, but he’s a businessman, he collected his data thoroughly.

 

So obviously, the sane thing to do was to bet that Emma and Regina would end up together and would break the curse.

 

So that’s exactly what he did.

 

Well, minus the whole mentioning the curse thing, considering he was betting among cursed people who had no idea magic was real. The only ones who were in on it were Henry, Gold, and Jefferson. The rest of the town was just betting on the Mayor and the Sheriff getting together in what everyone hoped would result in them finally blowing off some steam and releasing all that pent-up tension so everyone could finally stop holding their breaths around them in anticipation of a major blow off when they went at it.

 

August bet a good 100 bucks on them getting together in six months.

 

Henry was a bit more optimistic and bet his whole allowance — which, honestly, was a ridiculous amount of money for a ten-year-old — that they would kiss and break the curse in three.

 

Gold aimed for five months. Jefferson for six months and twenty-three days, the peculiar little bastard. And he also bet that once everyone got their memories back they’d have the Queen’s head — which he was disturbingly happy about.

 

August was just looking forward to getting himself some well-earned cash.

 

It didn’t take long for rumors about the bet to start and soon August was accosted everywhere he went by excited citizens wanting to bet on the love life of their leaders. Truly a testament to how boring life was in a small, cursed town.

 

Much to everyone’s dismay, they all lost.

 

The curse broke and it wasn’t because of True Love’s kiss between the Queen and Savior, but rather between the Savior and her son. Bleh. Boring. Even Henry was pissed off. It would’ve been way cooler if they could’ve made #swanqueenisendgame trend multi realm-wide. But whatever. The game wasn’t lost yet.

 

So, okay. After that first incident is where he can assume some responsibility for the generalized gambling. But what else was he supposed to do now that his life was in shambles?

 

Turns out, even all made of wood, he could still run an impressive gambling business.

 

Plus, now that he didn’t have that much to do besides trying to avoid being the next log thrown into the fire, he became much more meticulous with his bookkeeping. It truly did wonders for his business.

 

And so the betting game began.

 

Henry was still childishly optimistic. He kept giving them three months only to add another three when his date expired, and so on. August had to hand it to him, that kid had unwavering faith in his mothers. He, on the other hand, had become more aware of just how stubborn those two women were.

 

So he diversified.

 

He bet 50 bucks on Regina killing Snow by the end of the year. Jefferson doubled up and countered, still angry about what Regina did to him. He was sure that Snow would end up killing her. Pft. Honestly, she was called pure as snow for a reason. Easy money in his opinion.

 

Gold bet a hefty sum on Regina killing David before they managed to get Emma and Snow back from wherever that portal had taken them.

 

Turns out they all lost. August had to admit he was disappointed, even if it wasn’t the most politically correct thing to be upset by their monarchs’ failed beheading.

 

And, as it turned out, Pinocchio was just as good a businessman as August. His dad didn’t approve, but he knew he gave Archie some money to bet on Ruby eating King George on the next full moon, so there weren’t much grounds there for him to object.

 

Granny was actually a big old sap, who would’ve known, and she bet on Emma getting back with Neal for a while before she got with Regina. For the kid, she’d said. Pinocchio honestly didn’t see it, but he couldn’t deny women did foolish things sometimes for old sentimentality’s sake and misguided beliefs.

 

Pinocchio liked Mulan. The warrior was quiet and serious but she had sharp eyes and she told him lots of stories about their land while they were gone, as well as stories about what happened when Emma and Snow went there.

 

Which is how he came to fiercely dislike Hook and his attempts at seducing Emma. Didn’t he have eyes? Clearly, she was too good for him. And one does not just get in the middle of the ultimate pairing like that without any regards for people’s feelings on the matter. The nerve of some people.

 

Which completely explained why he accepted all kinds of bets about how and when Regina would end up killing the man, going so far as to make up a whole list of preferred kill methods. Pinocchio himself was partial to a well-placed fireball to the face followed by his heart being ripped out and slowly crushed. Rumplestiltskin was, unsurprisingly, fond of a much more…inventive method.

 

Suffice to say, everyone was quite disgruntled when Pan cursed them back to the Enchanted Forest and Emma and Henry stayed back. Their OTP was separated by literal realms! It was definitely a bad time for business with morale hanging so low. He ran a few bets here and there, mostly just how long it would take Regina to burn all of Snow’s hair off or turn David into a toad or for Belle to finally give up on Rumple or how long it’d take them to be cursed again. Spoiler alert: not very long at all.

 

To say that the day they all ended back in Storybrooke was one of the happiest of his life would not be an understatement. Well, counting the life that he remembered, at least. But he was pretty sure it would include his adventurous life as August as well.

 

This was it. This was the moment everyone was waiting for for over a year. And even though their memories were suspiciously gone because there were cursed — again — everyone knew that none of that mattered when their ultimate pairing got together. Everyone had seen Emma and Regina saying goodbye at the town line so they were all anxiously awaiting the much-anticipated reunion.

 

Well. The word he wants to use is anti-climatic.

 

Oh sure, they did look like long lost lovers and Regina did break a glass in shock, but the whole scene was focused on Henry who, unfortunately, didn’t remember who his mother was. Yes, yes, so tragic. The real tragedy, however, was that the little shit just had to steal the show with his amnesia. Where was the swooping kiss everyone was waiting for? Okay, fine. It wasn’t actually Henry's fault, but Pinocchio was still bitter about it. He, and everyone else really, had been waiting in anticipation of this moment for ages and it was all just very…bleh.

 

But the game must go on and no one was giving up.

 

This was a fairytale town, after all, no one was letting a couple of flying monkeys and a mysterious witch get in the way of their town fun. No way. Over his dead wooden body.

 

In the spirit of entrepreneurship, Pinocchio decided they should all have some fun by placing bets about who they thought this new witch was as well as who would be turned into a flying monkey. He came out a lot richer on that one. It’s always the children they underestimate. Their loss for not thinking that little kids can easily sneak in an out of tight spaces and have amazing hearing.

 

He must say, he always thought Dwarves would be a lot more brotherly toward each other. Turned out they’re quicker to bet on each other than anyone else. Who knew they’d have so much faith one of their brothers would become the next flying monkey? He supposed siblings did behave that way, at least from what he saw on T.V.

 

Now, something that no one had seen coming at all was that Zelena was actually Regina’s sister. Now that was some proper town gossip. Well, he was sure Rumple knew about it, the imp knew pretty much everything there was to know about everyone, but he’d refrained from betting anything this time. Probably grew a conscience or something. Or, most likely, saying something would’ve interfered with his whole agenda, whatever it was. Anyway, the point was, that bets were placed about Zelena’s father and that was what he cared about. Ava won that one, who knows how she figured it out. That girl was extra sneaky.

 

He noticed that the whole town was particularly more interested in everyone else than they would usually be, and he knew it was because their leading ladies were being distracted from one another by two blind men who just couldn’t see they only had eyes for each other.

 

That just wouldn’t do.

 

He came up with some new and exciting betting systems which included Instagram votes and Twitter polls — the Mayor and the Sheriff being strategically blocked, of course — to get the town out of their funk. His new favorite running bet was that Emma would end up sending Robin Hood through a portal while Regina barbecued Hook. It put a smile on his face.

 

Pinocchio was a bit disappointed with the next villain. Everyone was always betting on who it would be and they’d have ferocious discussions which included pulling out way too many fairytale books to count, even the most obscure, as well as an excuse to binge watch Disney movies in the town’s only movie theater. The ice cream lady won that bet, but then she actually turned out to be the bad guy so Pinocchio promptly made his way to her with some hired muscle — read: every single fairy in town — to reclaim her winnings. There was a strict rule against insider trading, he wasn’t about to let her get away with it just because he was stuck as a child again and there was a high probability he would be turned into the frozen plank from the Titanic.

 

Anyway, he was disappointed with the Ice Queen. Because ice? Really? Was it truly absolutely necessary? He’d had plenty of near-death experiences in his life and dying like a frozen popsicle was not one he was planning on adding to the list. Besides, the movie was just way better than the real deal.

 

He was personally betting on someone from Bambi to be the next villain. He had a deep curiosity about how that would play out. Was Bambi an actual person? Was it really a talking dear? Would Snow be able to talk to them? Would she be the only one? Was she able to talk to all animals? Could they really trust her translation skills? These were the real questions he desperately needed answers for.

 

As a side note, he shouldn’t have let people bet on how and when he’d get back to his adult body. He didn’t get in on it himself, that would just be asking for it, but he should’ve stopped it from everyone else. He’s 97% sure that there was some kind of wishful thinking on Archie’s part because there’s just no way he would get so close to the real facts without some kind of interference from the universe. Or the fairies. Maybe his wishful thinking became an actual wish. If that was the case, August was gonna have to have some serious talks with the cricket about controlling himself. And besides, wasn’t he supposed to be some sort of conscience? What kind of shrink-cricket bet on children being tortured, anyway?

 

Some days he wondered if everyone in town had acquired a gambling problem.

 

Other days he was convinced it was true.

 

And he was probably a bit to blame about that. But only a small amount.

 

Anyway, Queens of Darkness were in town and, apart from his minor issues with torture, it was great for business. Ruby bet on Regina having a romantic history with Maleficent — why else had she trapped her as a dragon in a dungeon, she’d asked —and she won. Mulan was convinced it had been with Ursula but she actually seemed relieved to have lost. Leroy bet on Emma having at it with Maleficent over her thing with Regina.

 

No one saw it coming that Snow and David had taken Maleficent’s baby — well, apart from those involved, of course — and it was even more of a shock that she was Emma’s teenage friend. August was convinced they had been more than friends. Granny was positive Lilly was actually Regina’s daughter with Maleficent, and they all agreed the resemblance was striking. Which raised the stakes on their betting game because if Emma had dated Lilly and if Lilly was Regina’s daughter than that was a whole other level of familial complications, even for Enchanted Forest standards. Blue, on the other hand, said it was possible that Emma was actually Maleficent’s daughter and Lilly Snow’s, and that was just way too magically complicated and no one really had the desire to find out if it was actually true or not — they were sure their brains would fry if it was.

 

As it was, the highest running bet on SwanQueen was that one of the two would do something so stupid that the other would be forced to confront their feelings. Now, August is not sure that Emma sacrificing herself for the darkness in Regina’s place was what Gold had in mind, but everyone had agreed that it was the closest thing to what had actually happened and so he won this round. Smee lost his hat. Leroy lost his ax. Archie lost his umbrella. Nick lost his candy collection. Geppetto actually won a substantial amount because it turned out he’d bet that Emma would be the one doing the stupid thing.

 

The Dark Swan was also good for business. Many a bet were placed on how long it’d take Emma to completely lose it and succumb to the darkness. It was impressive how little faith the people had in their Savior. Ungrateful, really.

 

August bet on two days so… Well.

 

There were also a considerable number of bets on how long it’d take her to completely destroy the town. Snow was convinced she’d last at least two weeks. Ruby had snorted and given it five days. Some friends, really.

 

August gave her a month. He was a true friend, after all, he had faith in her.

 

Zelena bet her broomstick on Regina breaking the Dark One’s curse with True Love’s kiss. August wasn’t really sure what to do with a temperamental broomstick, but he liked to fly it around from time to time. And by fly one should take it as him mostly falling on his ass from unsafe heights. At least it prompted him to bargain for flying lessons on her next bet, and those did come in handy.

 

Everyone was disappointed when Hook came back to life, none more so than Granny who had bet her multi-realm famous banana bread recipe on Emma killing him as the Dark One and now had to give it up after he refused to stay dead. The bread was absolutely delicious. August’s SwanQueen feelings were not actually soothed by it, but at least something good came out of it. If not for his heart, then for his stomach.

 

None of the winners were particularly happy collecting their winnings on Robin’s death though. They didn’t exactly want him dead, they mostly just wanted him gone from Regina’s life. It was a morose event, but none of them were particularly scrupulous about being happy that they had one less obstacle in the run for their OTP ending up together.

 

Another thing that was incredibly good for business was Regina splitting herself in two. They had way too much fun betting on all the things the Evil Queen would be up to. Probably more fun than was advised considering it was their lives that could also be at stake. But eh. What was life without a little excitement after all?

 

Now that they had two Reginas to deal with, that meant that the scales were tipping ever more favorably for their SwanQueen endgame. It was only a matter of time before Emma realized that there was only more to love and everyone was sure she would reunite them with True Love’s kiss. Many a bet were also placed on how long it would take them to end up in bed together, all three of them. August considered himself a standup guy for not letting the children bet on that particular topic, but apart from that, the game was on. And oh, did the townsfolk take it to another level.

 

A particular fascination everyone had was how long it would take the Evil Queen to succumb to her feelings and just incinerate Hook. They were all quite bleak about Regina’s recent self-control, it just didn’t make for fun gambling, but the Queen was a whole different story. She was as unpredictable as she was dangerous. Poor Hook had pages and pages on predictions for his death, and none of them were particularly painless.

 

A running bet they’d had going on since the first curse broke, was about whether Rumple was actually Regina’s father, as many seemed to think. Turns out, not so much. Suffice to say, everyone’s dinner was _this_ close to coming back up again — or in Snow’s case, it literally did — when they found out that he and the Queen had gotten it on.

 

Sometimes August wanted to feel bad for Emma, he really did, he was her friend after all, but she just made his life so much more interesting. It was like she was handing things for them to bet on on a silver platter. Now it was the whole ‘who’s under the hood’ thing. The whole town was running with adrenaline, hushed conversations had in small groups about who it could be, how long it’d take to happen, whether Emma would survive or not. The general consensus seemed to be that if she didn’t survive, she at least had to confess her feelings for Regina before she died. They just had to have their original bet come through.

 

August thinks the townsfolk do deserve some credit for their faith in their Savior — even if that faith is at times very limited. But he would like to point out that most people did, indeed, bet on her defeating the person under the hood. So. Brownie points or something.

 

The exciting thing about living in a magical world was that almost anything could happen. Curse an entire realm to another land? Sure, easy peasy, let’s just find ourselves some human hearts and get right on it. Create a Dark One to save a loved one? Yes, because that doesn’t sound like the worst idea ever at all. Kidnap a newborn, take him to another world, and return him as an adult all but a few weeks later? Why not. Not weird at all.

 

The counterpart to all the excitement is that it turns regular gambling into a fantastical game of who has the most ludicrous idea. And that’s usually who wins. No idea is too outlandish. In fact, most ideas are often not outlandish enough and only when they reach absolute levels of absurdity can they be semi-confident that they’ll win. It’s all very exhilarating.

 

Unfortunately, to counter all of the excitement, there’s always bad news. August doesn’t know what to call it. Was it blindness, fear, uncertainty? Pure stupidity? All of the above? Whatever it was, Regina and Emma had it bad.

 

There was a wedding.

 

August would like nothing more than to say that it was their OTP getting married but it was not. Not even close.

 

What he does want to point out is that the whole town was so completely invested and sure that Emma and Regina would finally get their shit together that no one — not a single soul — bet on Emma getting married to Hook.

 

_No one_.

 

And yet there was a wedding.

 

August has never seen the town more depressed.

 

Even he didn’t have it in him to foment gambling like he once did even at the toughest of times. Because this was the end of the world as they knew it.

 

To make matters worse, Regina left.

 

But then August one day woke up with an epiphany.

 

They all knew Regina had left because she couldn’t stand seeing Emma married to Hook, and they could all see how miserable Emma was now that Regina wasn’t there. Which lead to his epiphany.

 

Emma would surely soon wake up to the world and realize her true feelings for Regina. She _had_ to.

 

August wasn’t having it any other way.

 

He got everyone excited about their OTP again, got #swanqueenisendgame trending again, created new merch to sell, anything to make the people believe in True Love once again.

 

And then the best thing happened when a book came out called _Once Upon a Time_ , by Henry Mills — a particularly curious thing considering Henry was in another world but who’s he to argue with magic — and #swanqueenisendgame started trending in the whole country.

 

Their excitement levels went through the roof.

 

The world could see it! Everyone could see they belonged together, even people who thought their story was nothing more than a modern-day fairytale.

 

Oh, how his time to shine had come.

 

August had prepared for this for _years_. There was merch to be created and produced and distributed — international shipping available! —; he had fairies and dwarves to keep in check, making sure their work was spotless; he had Ruby and Snow and Leroy, aka the town gossips, on the social media front making sure to get the discussion going and the interest up and the products selling; he had Granny on the baking front, producing hundreds of apple turnovers a day; Archie and Geptepto on the alcohol front producing gallon after gallon of apple cider — which, fair enough, was not nearly as good as Regina’s but the fans didn’t need to know that little detail.

 

In short, the whole town was living for it.

 

Which brings him back to the present.

 

See, while it is maybe, possibly, _probably_ his fault that the whole town has a gambling problem, it is also true that it’s because of him that everyone has seen the light.

 

And by everyone, he particularly means Emma who, out of the two members of his OTP, was clearly the one having more difficulty clearing the dust off her eyes.

 

Now, while the particular details escape him — though not for long — what is undeniable is the end result.

 

There was a divorce — unsurprising even if it was celebrated town-wide for a whole month courtesy of the profits from their merch sales — and then there were some very strange time-traveling events and world merging and a lot of double vision problems with all the copies of everyone going around.

 

These are the facts.

 

Another fact: there was a kiss. During a coronation, in front of everyone in the realms — shout out to all the Instagram followers and their unending support in the live stream — and there was an unequivocal rainbow pulse which shook the very earth with the power of True Love’s magic — that’s right Instagram, our special effects are on point, it almost seems like real magic.

 

And there is another fact. One that everyone only became aware of a little later. There was a baby who was quickly growing and whose eyes were a familiar brown and whose hair was curly and dark and who was clearly not the daughter of one Captain Hook.

 

Those are the facts.

 

And August is a businessman, he keeps all the facts meticulously written down in his book.

 

Which is why a young woman patiently stands before him while he studies said book from front to back making sure that everything is correct. And it is.

 

August looks up and finds serious eyes looking right back at him. Well, at least she wasn’t gloating.

 

Yet.

 

“You are right,” he says, swallowing hard as he mentally prepares for the dreadful moment that is about to come where he will need to gather all her winnings. “All your bets came true. Even the baby.”

 

Grace smiles, a thing far too knowing for an innocent-looking girl who started betting on the future of their town when she was ten-years-old and has waited until now to collect everything.

 

August wonders if the girl is some sort of seer.

 

He also decides that it is high time he puts an age limit on the gambling.

 

“I’ll wait for the transfer,” she says cooly. “There’s no rush.”

 

Well, the money is not even going to be the hardest part, though it is going to leave him considerably unstable. The other things, those are the problem. He has to procure some transportation method big enough for all the axes and umbrellas and birds and pigs and cars and hats and a broomstick and the list goes on and on and on.

 

August pales.

 

“Sure thing. I’ll get right on it.”

 

He can’t even try to pretend that his smile came out as anything but pained or that is voice didn’t sound the tiniest bit squeaky.

 

The girl leaves and he sinks down into his chair with a heavy plump. His eyes close of their own accord and so he’s startled when there’s a familiar throat clearing too close for comfort.

 

August opens his eyes and regrets every single life choice he’s ever made.

 

Regina Mills and Emma Swan stand before him, arms crossed and expectant looks on their faces, and he gulps. Hard.

 

Regina raises an impeccable eyebrow and August thinks all the blood has left his body.

 

“So, Mr. Booth, I hear you’ve got yourself a gambling business.”

 

“I can explain,” he starts.

 

He is a dead man.

 

He can only hope that they turn him back to wood so his father can make something nice of it to remember him by because August is a dead man walking.

 

But long live SwanQueen.


End file.
